oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
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