We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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