Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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