Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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