If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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