i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
