I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
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