When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
