I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
