Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
