It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
