I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
