I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
