lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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