God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
