You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Text me some of your sweat
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
