i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
