Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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