Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Small penises have feelings too.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
