A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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