he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
