I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
