I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
