okay pat passed out under dana's car
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
