I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
