My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
did i just pee glitter
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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