A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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