she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
