My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
