the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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