I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
