The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You left your underwear on the fireplace
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
