i already hear my dad disowning me
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
