So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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