I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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