Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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