I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
