I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
