Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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