The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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