remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
