Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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