hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
pop tarts are not kleenex
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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