He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
