When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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