Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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