When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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