The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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