look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
