I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
