K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
