I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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