you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
