Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
