y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
